"At Least We're Honest Now™"
Following seventeen incidents of troops preparing tactical assaults on American strip malls, the Department of War deploys its $12.8 billion OHIO-DETECT virtual reality training system. Features realistic simulations of Walmart parking lots and Cincinnati IHOPs to recalibrate threat assessment protocols. Read full report →
Chief of Space Operations announces additional funding needed to maintain core mission of "figuring out what we're supposed to be doing, but with better satellites and more cosmic confusion." Read full report →
The Department of War unveiled its $432 million wellness program today, reclassifying military burn pits as premium aromatherapy installations. Veterans' groups skeptical of claims that inhaling burning waste provides "enhanced lung capacity training." Read full report →
Pentagon officials announced today that the recently approved $847 billion defense budget will "barely cover the essentials" including premium coffee for generals and gold-plated paperclips. "We've had to make tough choices between caviar and cruise missiles," explained Budget Director General Penny Wise. Read full report →
The U.S. Army unveiled its groundbreaking "Gamer to Warrior" recruitment initiative, targeting Call of Duty players with promises that "real war is just like Xbox, but with better graphics." Mountain Dew and Doritos now classified as military rations. Read full report →
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