"At Least We're Honest Now™"
Core Mission Remains "Figuring Out What We're Supposed to Be Doing, But with Better Satellites and More Cosmic Confusion"
COLORADO SPRINGS/THE VOID – Chief of Space Operations General B. Chance Saltzman announced today that the US Space Force requires an additional $30 billion in funding to maintain its core mission of "figuring out what we're supposed to be doing, but with better satellites and more cosmic confusion."
"After five years of operation, we've successfully established that space is very big and very dark, and we're pretty sure we're supposed to be protecting America from something up there," Saltzman declared while pointing vaguely upward during a press conference held in a room decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars.
The Space Force has refined its original mission statement from "organizing, training, and equipping space forces" to the more accurate "existing in space while determining why we exist in space."
"We've made tremendous progress in not knowing what we're doing," explained Colonel Sarah "Stardust" Martinez, Director of Cosmic Purpose Assessment. "Last year, we had no idea what our mission was. This year, we have 47 different theories about what our mission might be, which represents a 4,700% improvement in potential mission awareness."
Space Force's 16,000 Guardians are currently deployed in various states of professional uncertainty:
Confirmed Activities:
Suspected Activities:
The requested $30 billion will be allocated across several critical programs:
Space Operations Command ($12 billion): Advanced systems for doing unspecified space things, training for scenarios that may not exist, and equipment for missions yet to be determined.
Space Systems Command ($8 billion): Satellites that watch satellites watching satellites, next-generation technology for undefined purposes, and backup systems for primary systems with unclear functions.
Space Training and Readiness Command ($7 billion): Preparing Guardians for unknown challenges, simulation exercises for hypothetical space conflicts, and professional development in theoretical cosmic warfare.
Miscellaneous Space Stuff ($3 billion): Office supplies that work in zero gravity, space-themed morale patches, coffee that doesn't float away, and an emergency fund for when they figure out what they're supposed to be doing.
General Saltzman emphasized America's commitment to maintaining space superiority, even while remaining unclear about what that means:
"We will not allow any nation to surpass America's ability to be confused about space operations at the highest levels of professional uncertainty. If China doesn't know what they're doing in space, we will not know what we're doing in space even more effectively."
The Space Force has established partnerships with allies through the Combined Space Operations Initiative, where member nations coordinate their mutual space confusion through encrypted channels.
During recent House Armed Services Committee hearings, lawmakers struggled to understand what they were funding:
Rep. Cooper: "General Saltzman, can you explain in simple terms what the Space Force actually does?"
Gen. Saltzman: "Congressman, we provide space-based capabilities for space-dominant operations across the space domain."
Rep. Cooper: "That didn't answer my question."
Gen. Saltzman: "Sir, if I could answer that question clearly, we probably wouldn't need $30 billion to figure it out."
The Space Force's 2030 strategic vision involves "achieving definitive uncertainty about our cosmic responsibilities while maintaining readiness for scenarios we cannot currently imagine."
Plans include establishing permanent confusion on the Moon, Mars reconnaissance missions to determine what they should be doing there, asteroid defense systems for asteroids that may or may not threaten Earth, and deep space monitoring for threats that may not exist.
"We may not know what we're doing, but we're doing it in space, and that has to count for something," concluded General Saltzman. "Besides, at $30 billion, we're still cheaper than the F-35 program, and at least our confusion operates in three dimensions plus time."
The Space Force motto "Semper Supra" will be supplemented with the unofficial slogan "Still Figuring It Out, But From Space."
US Space Force: "Protecting America from space threats we're still identifying, using methods we're still developing, for reasons we're still determining."