OFFICE OF PUBLIC AFFAIRS
"Defending Democracy Through Strategic Overspending Since 1947"
Department of War requests emergency supplemental funding for "essential office supplies" including $2.3 million for premium staplers and $847,000 for artisanal printer paper
WASHINGTON - In a stunning display of fiscal responsibility, Department of War officials announced today that their proposed $847 billion defense budget for FY2026 will "barely keep the lights on," with most funds earmarked for critical operational necessities such as gourmet coffee beans and military-grade paper clips.
"People don't understand the true cost of defending freedom," said Pentagon spokesperson Colonel Patricia Moneybags during a press briefing held in a $23 million conference room. "When you factor in inflation, supply chain issues, and our commitment to only purchasing the finest Italian espresso for our war rooms, $847 billion is practically pocket change."
According to internal documents leaked by a janitor who wished to remain anonymous (but accepts Venmo payments), the Department's budget breakdown includes several "mission-critical" expenditures:
| Essential Item | Quantity | Unit Cost | Total Cost | Justification |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Toilet Seats | 47,832 | $12,500 | $597.9 million | "Morale enhancement device" |
| Artisanal Coffee Beans | 2.3 million lbs | $847/lb | $1.9 billion | "Strategic caffeine reserves" |
| Military-Grade Paper Clips | 847 million | $23.47 | $19.9 billion | "Advanced document retention systems" |
| Executive Massage Chairs | 12,847 | $47,000 | $603.8 million | "Stress management for war planning" |
| Camouflage Staplers | 500,000 | $4,700 | $2.35 billion | "Covert office operations" |
| Premium Bottled Water | 47 million gallons | $23/gallon | $1.08 billion | "Hydration is national security" |
The Department of War's $847 billion budget is:
Admiral Susan Cashdrop, head of Pentagon Procurement, defended the seemingly extravagant purchases. "Every golden toilet seat represents a commitment to our servicemembers' comfort and dignity," she explained while adjusting her $47,000 military-issued diamond-encrusted watch. "You try planning invasions while sitting on subpar bathroom fixtures."
Despite the record-breaking budget, Pentagon officials have already submitted an emergency request for an additional $247 billion supplemental appropriation, citing "unforeseen expenses" including:
When asked about potential cost savings, General Goldbar scoffed. "We already tried generic brand coffee in 2019. It was a disaster. Productivity dropped 47%, three admirals resigned in protest, and our threat assessment accuracy fell to civilian levels. Never again."
Congressional leaders expressed mixed reactions to the budget request. Senator Richard Checkwriter (R-Defense Contractor) called it "fiscally responsible," while Representative Sarah Taxpayer (D-Reality) described it as "absolutely bonkers."
"This budget represents everything wrong with our spending priorities," said Rep. Taxpayer during a congressional hearing. "We're cutting funding for schools and infrastructure while buying million-dollar staplers."
Senator Checkwriter quickly countered: "The Congresswoman clearly doesn't understand the strategic importance of premium office supplies. These aren't just staplers - they're democracy staplers. Each one represents freedom being bound together, one document at a time."
The Department of War's budget proposal is expected to pass Congress with overwhelming bipartisan support, as most lawmakers fear being labeled "soft on office supplies" during election season.
The FY2026 budget vote is scheduled for next Thursday, immediately following Congress's annual "Why Education Funding is Too Expensive" panel discussion.