Latest War News

Pentagon Rebranding

Pentagon Rebranding Saves Billions in Honesty Costs

By eliminating euphemisms and double-speak, the War Department has freed up substantial budget previously allocated to creative writing departments.

Yesterday Efficiency
Adopt a Drone

War Department Launches 'Adopt-a-Drone' Program

Citizens can now sponsor their own military drone! Packages start at just $50M. "It's like having a pet that can level a building," explains Program Director.

2 days ago Community Outreach
War Subscription Service

New "War Plus" Subscription Service Offers Premium Conflicts

For just $99.99/month, subscribers get early access to new wars, exclusive battlefield updates, and collector's edition propaganda posters.

3 days ago Services
Peace Department

Department of War Acquires Competitor "Department of Peace"

In a surprise move, the War Department has purchased its smaller rival. "We're excited to diversify our portfolio," says Acquisition Chief. Peace Department will be rebranded as "War Lite."

1 week ago Business
War Weather

War Department Launches Weather Service: "Will It Rain Bombs Today?"

New meteorological division provides 7-day conflict forecasts. Today's forecast: 80% chance of democracy delivery with scattered freedom showers.

2 weeks ago Services

Official War Forms

📋

Form W-4R: Request for More War

Standard application for additional conflict allocation. Processing time: 24 hours.

🎖️

DD-LOL: Discharge of Humor

For service members who've lost their sense of irony. Mandatory for all Pentagon staff.

💰

Form MIC-365: Military Industrial Complex Registration

Annual registration for defense contractors. Includes loyalty oath and profit projections.

🎯

Target-2024: Enemy Designation Request

Nominate your least favorite country for liberation. Geographic preferences accommodated.

🏠

Base-R-Us: Foreign Military Installation Permit

Apply to have a U.S. military base built in your backyard. Great for property values!

📊

Budget-∞: Infinite Spending Authorization

Pre-approved form for any military expenditure. No questions asked, literally.

War Tools & Calculators

Operation Name Generator

Generate official-sounding names for your next military operation

Operation Decisive Thunder

Military Budget Calculator

Calculate your defense spending needs (results automatically optimized for maximum impact)

Your Input: $0
Actual Requirement: $0
*Budget automatically adjusted for freedom delivery surcharge, democracy installation fees, and peace-keeping premium

Threat Level Assessment

Evaluate potential threats to national security (all results may vary)

Select a country to assess

Democracy Delivery Tracker

Track the status of democracy installations worldwide

Afghanistan Democracy Delivered ✓
Iraq Democracy Delivered ✓
Libya Democracy Pending...
[CLASSIFIED] Democracy In Transit 🚚

Official War Department Merchandise

Honest T-Shirt

Classic "Honest War" T-Shirt

"Department of War: At Least We're Honest Now"

$24.99
Transparent Mug

Transparency Coffee Mug

"Make War Transparent Again" - 16oz Ceramic

$19.99
Survivor Hat

Pentagon Rebranding Survivor Hat

"I Survived the Pentagon Rebranding" - Adjustable Cap

$29.99
Budget Calculator

Official War Budget Calculator

Always adds three zeros to any input. Batteries not included.

$49.99
Freedom Delivery

Freedom Delivery Service Sticker Pack

10-pack of premium vinyl stickers. "Freedom: We Deliver"

$14.99
Peace Through Strength

Vintage "Peace Through Superior Firepower" Poster

24"x36" High-quality print. Perfect for office or bunker.

$34.99

Join the War Machine

Ready to make a difference in the world? The Department of War offers exciting career opportunities in global conflict management, democracy installation, and freedom delivery services.

Senior War Planner

Pentagon, VA $250K - $500K

Design and implement large-scale conflict strategies. Must have 10+ years experience in geopolitical destabilization.

Top Secret Clearance Travel Required Moral Flexibility

Democracy Installation Specialist

Worldwide $180K - $300K

Lead teams in rapid democracy deployment. Heavy lifting required. Hazard pay included.

Engineering Background Cultural Sensitivity Explosive Experience

Threat Level Colorist

Remote $80K - $120K

Maintain and update the national threat color system. Must have strong opinions about orange.

Color Theory Psychology Background Artistic Vision