Formerly the "Department of Defense" - We Fixed the Branding!
Revolutionary new camo technology makes military spending completely undetectable to civilian oversight. "It's so effective, even we can't see where the money goes," says Budget Chief.
By eliminating euphemisms and double-speak, the War Department has freed up substantial budget previously allocated to creative writing departments.
Citizens can now sponsor their own military drone! Packages start at just $50M. "It's like having a pet that can level a building," explains Program Director.
For just $99.99/month, subscribers get early access to new wars, exclusive battlefield updates, and collector's edition propaganda posters.
In a surprise move, the War Department has purchased its smaller rival. "We're excited to diversify our portfolio," says Acquisition Chief. Peace Department will be rebranded as "War Lite."
New meteorological division provides 7-day conflict forecasts. Today's forecast: 80% chance of democracy delivery with scattered freedom showers.
Standard application for additional conflict allocation. Processing time: 24 hours.
For service members who've lost their sense of irony. Mandatory for all Pentagon staff.
Annual registration for defense contractors. Includes loyalty oath and profit projections.
Nominate your least favorite country for liberation. Geographic preferences accommodated.
Apply to have a U.S. military base built in your backyard. Great for property values!
Pre-approved form for any military expenditure. No questions asked, literally.
Generate official-sounding names for your next military operation
Calculate your defense spending needs (results automatically optimized for maximum impact)
Evaluate potential threats to national security (all results may vary)
Track the status of democracy installations worldwide
"Department of War: At Least We're Honest Now"
"Make War Transparent Again" - 16oz Ceramic
"I Survived the Pentagon Rebranding" - Adjustable Cap
Always adds three zeros to any input. Batteries not included.
10-pack of premium vinyl stickers. "Freedom: We Deliver"
24"x36" High-quality print. Perfect for office or bunker.
Ready to make a difference in the world? The Department of War offers exciting career opportunities in global conflict management, democracy installation, and freedom delivery services.
Design and implement large-scale conflict strategies. Must have 10+ years experience in geopolitical destabilization.
Lead teams in rapid democracy deployment. Heavy lifting required. Hazard pay included.
Maintain and update the national threat color system. Must have strong opinions about orange.